I really had hoped swapping out the domed capacitors would bring it back to life, but alas, maybe that era is over and I do well not to tarnish its memory further with all these vestiges whose metal shells I nostalgically rely on to last forever.
Update: With enough sustained current, the blinking lights of doom subsided, and the ghost in the machine was vacated by Dr. Frankenstein. My metaphor of the scrap-heap must wait for another day. Are wired connections still a thing?
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