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I get now why Raphael’s drop grants Fly.

Coincidentally I was just telling the boy about how Arceus was probably a one-off like Let’s Go, but the 2025 “simultaneous” release (no doubt verification that the Switch is about to go the way of the Wii U) does offer something of a deadline to my parallel play-throughs of this game I’ve more than once described as my second coming of Ultima V. The same thought occurs while hoarding certain items like I did those broken ᚨᛏ scrolls, but truth is, I’ve reserved a full treatment for fear of failure to do my feelings justice. These past few months in Faerûn have truly allowed me to relive du temps perdu and marvel at the storytelling craft in both epic scale and minute detail I haven’t since. And I can’t thank Larian enough for the risk they took on their ambitions with a dice-rolling turn-based alternative for someone who’s aging out of twitching as a measure of interactive experience.

I think this will be the name of the game idea I had about finding a bathroom in time, and the oft-perilous journey that entails, forcing strategic decisions between locations far and near, braving hordes of obstacles and competitors, all the while the ominous meter gauges your remaining willpower to hold it in. Different “levels” could take place in crowded department stores, highway rest stops and even your own home during family get-togethers.

Here’s what I have so far for an eponymous homophonic one-off from my planned next season of “Still Not Happening” strips—

Narrator: *Our story begins, as did life on the planet
With all that water and what happens if you don’t plan it.*

Narrator: *Relief is a short distance away, but alas
The wait to receive it longer, unless you were a lass?*

Narrator: *Fate is a harsh mistress and when you will meet her
Is tracked by a remaining strength-to-hold-it-in meter.*

Narrator: *It suddenly dawns on you what the pastor meant
About overindulgence making for lasting torment.*

Narrator: *The reminders may grate, but you must be bolder
For the pressure is great, like being crushed by a boulder!*

Narrator: *Next time all your might goes to holding in urine
Focus it elsewhere to make the most of the mess you’re in.*

I had this dream I was copying an old documentary about the Pet Shop Boys, at least it looked like Neil Tennant who sat around while his bandmate swapped costumes. The remote for the Betamax featured two buttons on the top row that rewound the tape to the previous chapter and displayed its name, in this case “JOY DIVISION”; the snow in the playback, however, betrayed the technology. The end credits played an alternate version of New Order’s “Temptation” in a different key, and with unfamiliar choral vocals; I forgot the tune an hour after waking.

The “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” line actually comes from the third and mostly awful Godfather movie, which I still also look back at for its portrayal of the way I least want to die, but that fucker who I had been watching for the past few weeks pushed me over the edge by letting Lae’zel die while simping Shadowheart as his “RP” love interest. So much for my console abstinence—which was hardly a show of principle if I’m to be honest, and more stubbornness to remount the gear treadmill, both in-game and out.

Recurring dream from my past hasn’t bothered me for as long as I can remember (nor competently search), but returned last night: I didn’t get any details, because they’re never important; some brute would grab me by a vulnerable spot, I think this time it was near my armpit but my genitals were a favorite target, and clamp down with such force that left me paralyzed and helpless. Worse, however, is the feeling of shame for such frailty, whether from failing to master challenges to my psyche in my own back yard or develop a modicum of confidence after a lifetime of them. I used to think the pain was manifesting a real inflammation, maybe a bug bite, nocturnal spasm, the wife taking out her frustrations on me in my sleep, or else could it be the guilt from a weekend spent weakly watching playthroughs of Baldur’s Gate 3 on the couch?