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Following a harrowing hearing in front of the Supreme Court, I was returning home on a train dogged by two detectives who suspected me of being the masked vigilante. They tried outing me by watching my reaction to the last page of a nondescript graphic novel where the Bat symbol appears, but I didn’t flinch and kept up my identity hunching over as I walked. I could take them all, I thought, but decided to play it out until we arrived at a London station. There I would meet and greet my neighbor Madonna with a baby in pram, then tried ditching my pursuers by a dirt path into the park. A sting in my left leg as I mounted a knee-high mound alerted me that I had stepped into an ant hill, and though most of them seemed inert when I kicked it open, many had climbed onto me and left bites as far as my right forearm. However, as Batman, I was unfazed.

Back in the real world, the closest thing we have is a knob with the Wayne family fortune and none of the drive for justice. God, would one of them at least bankroll another decent live-action portrayal to keep us restless masses opiated? Because boy, was he terrible in this past season of Titans, blasphemously bad. Now the plan is to bring back Keaton? And Pattinson’s “I’m vengeance” line is pretty hard to take seriously in a society that abandons a mentally-ill loner and treats him like trash. For as frightening as he tries to make himself to the superstitious cowardly lot, how much more effective are clowns on the rest of us?

Tagged comics, movies, vs. real life